I've been a stay at home mom with Brenna for the past year, but the past couple of weeks have had the opportunity to go into the office 1-2 days a week. It sounds like they may offer me the chance to work even more than that this summer. I think I like being at the office, surrounded by fun co-workers, talking about adult subjects, working on things that the progress is measurable... that I actually feel like I can do and do well.
Motherhood is so immeasurable... it is a day in, day out kind of grind. Sometimes thankless. And I definitely don't feel good at it. I have noted many times with my other mother friends that parenthood is one of those jobs where everyone is constantly comparing their ability and their child's abilities with everyone else and coming up short. Probably even the mom with the amazing genius baby who at age 1 can read thinks that she isn't doing something right. The constant interaction with a one year old definitely doesn't come naturally to me. I could handle the baby stages more easily, but as she gets older, I really realize how much I really don't know about teaching her, disciplining her, even playing with her. And often I really dread those things. So the break of the office is really nice, but then along with the enjoying being gone all day comes the guilt... I should WANT to be home with her all day, shouldn't I? Seriously motherhood is a trip...
She fell today from her high chair while I was gone. Thankfully she is ok and wasn't seriously hurt. But how scary is it that she could be seriously hurt while I'm at work (like it would be any better if I was home, ha. I don't have the control anyway)? And then the babysitting thing... gotta figure out someone that I trust to take her during the days.
Things to think about as I re-enter the workforce even on just a part-time basis.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Re-entering
I think I want to start blogging again on a regular basis. I think some form of journaling is good for my brain... helps me think through life, God, etc. Of course because there is the off chance that someone might read my blog, it makes me a little uber focused on how well it is written, but eh, whatever. Does it really matter what anyone else thinks anyway?
I kind of like that blogging is a public forum anyway... there is just something to be said for having your thoughts out there where someone could read them if they want.
So yeah, I guess I could bring my life up to date since 2008.
I've been married now for 4 years... we had our daughter Brenna Carolyn (middle name is after my mom) on April 22, 2011... almost one year ago now. It's crazy to think that she's going to be a year in less than 2 weeks. She's a ball of energy... full of smiles and happy for the most part. Though she's a little bit of a drama queen too! There you go... all caught up! haha.
Sadly, despite my grand intentions of blogging something real and meaningful today, the little bean is now up from her nap, so I guess I must go and hug her.
I kind of like that blogging is a public forum anyway... there is just something to be said for having your thoughts out there where someone could read them if they want.
So yeah, I guess I could bring my life up to date since 2008.
I've been married now for 4 years... we had our daughter Brenna Carolyn (middle name is after my mom) on April 22, 2011... almost one year ago now. It's crazy to think that she's going to be a year in less than 2 weeks. She's a ball of energy... full of smiles and happy for the most part. Though she's a little bit of a drama queen too! There you go... all caught up! haha.
Sadly, despite my grand intentions of blogging something real and meaningful today, the little bean is now up from her nap, so I guess I must go and hug her.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
on life in Charlotte
I had wings with a good friend last night. We have had a tradition of eating wings together ever since I moved to Charlotte (um, 6? years ago). That's a lot of wing-eating throughout the years. I wish that wings could be re-classified into the healthy category b/c I sure do love them. I also wish that I wasn't getting so old and that eating unhealthy food didn't make my stomach hurt the way it does now. Oh well. She has been in the Dominican Republic for the past year, so it was nice to finally have a real conversation (face to face). One subject that kept coming up was learning to take responsibility for your own faults. Circumstances may be out of your control, but we are responsible for how we react to those circumstances. I am pretty sure I have more to say on this subject, but I can't organize my thoughts this morning, so another time.
Hard to believe it's already been six years that I've lived in Charlotte. I moved here in August 2002. Crazy how different my life is now than it was then.
The first year I lived here was not so much fun. I rented a room from an older lady who although was very sweet, lived very in seclusion. The room I rented was dark... dark purple carpet, dark curtains. I think of that year as just dark. I didn't have a permanent job and didn't have a permanent church. My friends were few and far between. It definitely was a hard year.
At the end of that first year, I decided to go be a camp counselor for the summer. Although challenging, working with those kids remains one of the better experiences in my life. It was neat to see how even a week at camp can help re-direct and re-focus a teenager towards Christ.
I moved back to Charlotte after that first year, but this time moved in with a roommate my own age (the friend I hung out with last night... pretty sure this is when our wing tradition began). I started going to her church with her and finally found a church home. :) After 6 months, I decided to give living on my own a shot... found out that I loved living alone. I lived alone for about a year and to this day am still glad I got that experience.
My mom died in October of 2004. The next year or so was a blur of coping with grief. Oddly enough, this is also when I really started to expand my social circle in Charlotte. My church really supported me through the sadness with my mom and I threw myself into the social whirl to help distract myself. I started leading a small group with my church, which was great for my confidence level. I began to form some really significant relationships through this smaller group. I started dating... I fell in love and had my heart broken. Oh & I bought a house.
Two years ago, I met my now husband. We met in small group actually in March of 2006. My first impression of him was that he was cute, but SOOO quiet. I was his small group leader, and trying to get him to share his thoughts was like pulling teeth. After a few months, he started to email me about things other than just group. I was dating someone else at the time, so didn't think anything of it really until he texted me the morning that I had my wisdom teeth out and then I realized that he must like me. I actually started giving him the cold shoulder after that b/c I wasn't sure what was going on with the guy I was dating at the time. A week or two later though, the other guy and I ended things (we were dating pretty casually, so no heartbreak was involved). I then remembered.. "hey, this guy likes me and he's pretty cute... why not see if there's anything there?" I emailed him and we ended up hanging out a couple of weeks later. By the end of that day that we hung out, I knew I wanted to date him... (he definitely talks more one on one) Our first official date was June 28, 2006. Things between us just worked. Our relationship proceeded slowly, but surely. We got engaged October 26, 2007 after just about a year and a half of dating. Four months later, we got married on February 29th, 2008. Now we've been married for four months. Crazy how quickly that all happens.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
in the interest of spreading the love
I normally only post on livejournal, but maybe I could add some excitement to this blog as well. Just so that I have at least one post in this year that is already half over... where did all the time go?
Sometimes it is really hard to believe that I'm an adult. Married, 28. Kids are probably next (tho not for a few years yet). My friends and husband have successful careers (I can't include myself because I'm still working on finding any type of career.. tho I do have a job lol). Sometimes (ok, a lot of times) I still feel 15, still uncertain of who I am, where I fit, etc. etc. And then I am amazed all over by the fact that I'm an adult with responsibilities and bills and a job. No one ever tells you when you are 15 that even when you are 28, you won't really feel grown up. When does that happen? Or does it ever?
I spent the weekend in the mountains with my husband and some of our friends. We went hiking, saw my dad for father's day, etc. It was a fun trip, tho I was very tired when we got back late Sunday night. I do love the mountains even tho I don't see myself living there again.
Sometimes it is really hard to believe that I'm an adult. Married, 28. Kids are probably next (tho not for a few years yet). My friends and husband have successful careers (I can't include myself because I'm still working on finding any type of career.. tho I do have a job lol). Sometimes (ok, a lot of times) I still feel 15, still uncertain of who I am, where I fit, etc. etc. And then I am amazed all over by the fact that I'm an adult with responsibilities and bills and a job. No one ever tells you when you are 15 that even when you are 28, you won't really feel grown up. When does that happen? Or does it ever?
I spent the weekend in the mountains with my husband and some of our friends. We went hiking, saw my dad for father's day, etc. It was a fun trip, tho I was very tired when we got back late Sunday night. I do love the mountains even tho I don't see myself living there again.
Monday, September 24, 2007
on prayer
I journaled in a real paper journal yesterday morning for the first time in a year... I used to write in a paper journal all the time, and then my mom died and I lost my will to write anything down... and then as that passed, I'd mostly transitioned to this online form of journaling. When life gets busy, any form of journaling is the first thing to go I think... and often with that, my prayer life. My prayer life has gotten pretty scattered over the past few months anyway. So anyway, I sat on my porch for a good while yesterday and journaled and prayed and reflected. I felt calm and introspective afterwards... I miss that calm that comes from sitting at the feet of God and just conversing. Clearly i need to make that more of a priority.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Still clueless
I haven't used posted in blogspot very much b/c I'm still trying to figure it out. I have blogged for years now on livejournal, but I can't access that site from work, so I think I'm going to try to transition some of the posting to this site. My job is pretty slow, so I need some distraction during the day. Blogging has always served that purpose well (at least until I stopped being able to access LJ from work). So here we go...
It is Friday... yay... favorite day of the work week!
I finally made it to the gym last night for the first time this week. I think i might've hurt my knee though. Hopefully it is just strained a little and will feel better by tomorrow. It is pretty stiff and sore today though.
It has been over 2 years, almost 3 years since my mom died. It'll be three years October 12th. Her birthday was a few weeks ago and since then I've been really missing her. The thing with grief is... (at least my experience so far) is that it ebbs and flows. I am having a hard time describing this the way that I want to... but basically, sometimes dealing with her death is easier than others and lately, it has been really hard. And I feel like people are sick of hearing about it... b/c I'm sick of being sad about it, so how can I expect someone else to want to hear about how sad I am? And I've discovered that it hurts the most when something else goes wrong b/c it reminds me strongly that I don't have her to call and talk to about whatever problem I'm having. So it makes whatever problem I'm having that much worse. And I'm wondering... will this ever stop? I can't remember exactly what she looked like anymore or what she sounds like... I used to hear her voice on my dad's voicemail occasionally, but my dad switched phone services and with that, her recording is gone. I still remember that she loved me and always found the time to listen to whatever problem I was having... even if she was in the middle of something else. That's just not something that is really replaceable. When my mom first died, I asked someone else who had lost a parent a few years before if it got easier... they responded "not easier, but different. You become able to manage it." I suppose that this is what they meant.
On a much lighter note, I really want to figure out somewhere to go out of town on Labor Day weekend. I don't know where, but I want to be out of Charlotte for awhile... perhaps somewhere in the mountains. *shrug* We'll see if I manage it or not. I guess I *could* go see my family (they live in Boone), but that's always stressful, so isn't my top choice really ;).
It is Friday... yay... favorite day of the work week!
I finally made it to the gym last night for the first time this week. I think i might've hurt my knee though. Hopefully it is just strained a little and will feel better by tomorrow. It is pretty stiff and sore today though.
It has been over 2 years, almost 3 years since my mom died. It'll be three years October 12th. Her birthday was a few weeks ago and since then I've been really missing her. The thing with grief is... (at least my experience so far) is that it ebbs and flows. I am having a hard time describing this the way that I want to... but basically, sometimes dealing with her death is easier than others and lately, it has been really hard. And I feel like people are sick of hearing about it... b/c I'm sick of being sad about it, so how can I expect someone else to want to hear about how sad I am? And I've discovered that it hurts the most when something else goes wrong b/c it reminds me strongly that I don't have her to call and talk to about whatever problem I'm having. So it makes whatever problem I'm having that much worse. And I'm wondering... will this ever stop? I can't remember exactly what she looked like anymore or what she sounds like... I used to hear her voice on my dad's voicemail occasionally, but my dad switched phone services and with that, her recording is gone. I still remember that she loved me and always found the time to listen to whatever problem I was having... even if she was in the middle of something else. That's just not something that is really replaceable. When my mom first died, I asked someone else who had lost a parent a few years before if it got easier... they responded "not easier, but different. You become able to manage it." I suppose that this is what they meant.
On a much lighter note, I really want to figure out somewhere to go out of town on Labor Day weekend. I don't know where, but I want to be out of Charlotte for awhile... perhaps somewhere in the mountains. *shrug* We'll see if I manage it or not. I guess I *could* go see my family (they live in Boone), but that's always stressful, so isn't my top choice really ;).
Thursday, August 16, 2007
thoughts from a boring day at work
Random thoughts:
* Telemarketers make me crazy. I answer the phone all day long at work and I wish sometimes that I could reach through the phone and strangle them. GRRRR. Why is this method still used as a form of marketing??? I don't know anyone who stays on the phone with them.... do companies actually get results enough to justify paying someone to make those annoying phone calls?
*I have an odd bra size.... which makes buying bras difficult... they rarely fit the way that I want them too. Very frustrating really.
*My co-worker's wife has been having a very troubled pregnancy.... this adds a lot of complication to his life, to my boss's life and thus to mine. We are all hoping she'll continue to be careful and that nothing will go wrong. Baby wants to come too early!
* I have been on a chick-fila kick lately. I literally want it for every meal, but in the name of trying to eat healthily, I've been resisting for the most part. It hasn't helped that I got free coupons in the mail 2x's now. And let me tell you, when you want chick-fila, a Kashi flax seed bar just doesn't measure up. Neither does much else.
*I just finished a book called the Memory Keeper's Daughter. It was amazingly engrossing, yet completely depressing... though it did end on a note of hope. You get wrapped up in the characters' lives, but it is sad how much they f**k'd up, how many rippling aftereffects there are to one bad decision.
*Speaking of reading... I just finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I really liked her writing style... she narrates her journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia on her search for God after a messy divorce, heartbreak, and depression. She writes with depth & emotion and the book challenged me to think through what and why I believe what I do. She came to different conclusions about God than I have, but I still enjoyed hearing the search... hearing the struggle to know more about why we are here. And it challenged me to seek a bit more, as the Bible says "Seek first the kingdom of God.."
* I read fast... sometimes I wish that I didn't. I fly through books and I want them to last longer... and I don't have anything to read right now and am in the mood to read something amazing. Any recommendations? To tell the truth, I'll even settle for something halfway decent ;)
* Exercise has been so hit or miss for me lately. I was consistent again for 2 weeks (after about a month off), and this week... I'm back to "enh" about it and haven't been to the gym once. I'm skipping my class tonight again so I can go home and cook. I am going to make stuffed baked chicken, wild rice, and asparagas salad with raspberry cream pie for dessert. Yum... sometimes cooking (eating) just wins over the gyming.
*It has been SO hot here the past couple of weeks. I'm VERY ready for fall.
* I'm also restless this week. I want to go somewhere and do something exciting! I wish I had a fun trip planned or something. One of these days here shortly I need to get my passport updated and plan a trip to the DR to see Christy! That would be an exciting kind of diversion from the blah blah of everyday life.
* Telemarketers make me crazy. I answer the phone all day long at work and I wish sometimes that I could reach through the phone and strangle them. GRRRR. Why is this method still used as a form of marketing??? I don't know anyone who stays on the phone with them.... do companies actually get results enough to justify paying someone to make those annoying phone calls?
*I have an odd bra size.... which makes buying bras difficult... they rarely fit the way that I want them too. Very frustrating really.
*My co-worker's wife has been having a very troubled pregnancy.... this adds a lot of complication to his life, to my boss's life and thus to mine. We are all hoping she'll continue to be careful and that nothing will go wrong. Baby wants to come too early!
* I have been on a chick-fila kick lately. I literally want it for every meal, but in the name of trying to eat healthily, I've been resisting for the most part. It hasn't helped that I got free coupons in the mail 2x's now. And let me tell you, when you want chick-fila, a Kashi flax seed bar just doesn't measure up. Neither does much else.
*I just finished a book called the Memory Keeper's Daughter. It was amazingly engrossing, yet completely depressing... though it did end on a note of hope. You get wrapped up in the characters' lives, but it is sad how much they f**k'd up, how many rippling aftereffects there are to one bad decision.
*Speaking of reading... I just finished "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I really liked her writing style... she narrates her journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia on her search for God after a messy divorce, heartbreak, and depression. She writes with depth & emotion and the book challenged me to think through what and why I believe what I do. She came to different conclusions about God than I have, but I still enjoyed hearing the search... hearing the struggle to know more about why we are here. And it challenged me to seek a bit more, as the Bible says "Seek first the kingdom of God.."
* I read fast... sometimes I wish that I didn't. I fly through books and I want them to last longer... and I don't have anything to read right now and am in the mood to read something amazing. Any recommendations? To tell the truth, I'll even settle for something halfway decent ;)
* Exercise has been so hit or miss for me lately. I was consistent again for 2 weeks (after about a month off), and this week... I'm back to "enh" about it and haven't been to the gym once. I'm skipping my class tonight again so I can go home and cook. I am going to make stuffed baked chicken, wild rice, and asparagas salad with raspberry cream pie for dessert. Yum... sometimes cooking (eating) just wins over the gyming.
*It has been SO hot here the past couple of weeks. I'm VERY ready for fall.
* I'm also restless this week. I want to go somewhere and do something exciting! I wish I had a fun trip planned or something. One of these days here shortly I need to get my passport updated and plan a trip to the DR to see Christy! That would be an exciting kind of diversion from the blah blah of everyday life.
* Sometimes the idea of getting married scares the hell out of me. Some days I'm definitely impatient for it, but others... the thought of never being able to go on a "first date" again and that whole process of having a crush, that little rush of "hmmm... I wonder if he's single, he's cute" every time you meet some new interesting guy, etc. seems sort of sad to leave behind. I guess it is just a new phase of life. BTW, this is all just musing at this point... I'm not getting married just yet.
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